Best Table Tennis Excuses Contest

By Larry Hodges

Here are the results for the “Best Excuses” contest! These are the ones I judged the best in some way – whether funny, creative, strange, or simply bizarre.

There were about 150 “excuses” sent in by 37 people. We start off with our “Grand Champion,” then the few category champions, and then the honorable mentions alphabetically by the contributors (including my own contributions, which alas were not eligible for a prize).

Grand Champion Excuse

Andrew Gooding, Huntington, WV

Say this entire excuse on one breath!

·        “The reason I lost is because I didn’t warm up properly because I was up late last night finishing the doubles match and then we had to go out to eat at 11 pm and the only place that was open was a Chinese buffet that had the slowest service on earth, and they wouldn’t let us carry stuff out so we’re sitting there for what seemed like forever and then I didn’t get back to the motel until after I and my roommate had the TV on, so I didn’t wake up when my alarm went off and we were late getting to the venue as the fool turned the wrong way out of the motel parking lot and we went the wrong way halfway across town on a Sunday morning until we found a gas station to get directions and my first match was at 9 am and I was like ‘oh, $&*@% and I started gluing in the car, but he said, ‘No, it will stink the place up,’ and I said ‘I’ll open the window,’ and he said ‘no way’ and then we finally got there and had to park all the way across the parking lot and then I went in to the playing hall to glue and the &%^$#@& tournament director said I couldn’t glue inside, so I went into the bathroom and my glue took like ten minutes to dry because it was so humid and then by the time I got out to warm up all the tables were taken and it was time for the matches to start and I hadn’t even gotten any coffee and I only got the two-minute warm up and the guy was like ‘okay let’s play’ and he had long pips on one side and I missed all my opening loops the first two games and by the time I started landing them he was already ahead 6-2 in the third and he kept rushing me and then even though I tied it at 9 he got a net to go ahead and then I miss-hit and he won it, but he wouldn’t have if I had just gotten to prepare properly.”

Most Bizarre Excuse

Mike Sturtevant, Sonora, CA

·        This actually happened tonight at the club. I lost the match due to a net ball.  Not that unusual, happens all the time. We were playing in the gym and I was down match point.  We were having a good rally when I looped a sure winner deep and wide to my opponent’s forehand.  There was no way he could make the shot but he did get his paddle on it and hit it high and wide of the table.  On the way up the ball hit the basketball net, dropped down and caught the edge of the table.  He claimed the match since in the rules it says if the ball hits the net and drops in, it’s good.  The rules do not say that it has to be a table tennis net. 

Strangest Excuse

Tahl Leibovitz, Ozone Park, NY

·        “Playing Table Tennis is not like collecting fish.  These are two different things and collecting fish is much easier.” (Tahl said someone actually said this after losing a match!)

Funniest Excuse

Robert Palgon, Fremont, CA

·        Your call for excuses for losing a table tennis match reminded me of one weekend in February, 1965 when I and another Riverside Table Tennis habitué named Sol Hyman – but better known among his friends as Genghis Khan, left Reisman’s basement, boarded a Greyhound bus, and made our way to Philadelphia to play in a one-star tournament there. In Genghis’ very first match, in the lowest category event, Genghis was beaten 21-2, 21-1.  When I asked him how he accounted for his very lopsided defeat, he took me aside and explained it thusly: “Bob, the conditions were maddening.  The lighting was simply terrible, really…the net wasn’t even green – and it sagged too much in the middle.  The floor was more slippery than I’m used to, the ball wasn’t true, the table played “down,” I wore the wrong shorts, my opponent’s sneakers squeaked throughout the match, the crowd was against me, and besides all that there was just one other little thing – the guy was about 100 TIMES better than me!”

Best “Yeah, Right!” Excuse

Scott Gordon, Sacramento, CA

·        “Your hardbat is an unfair advantage.” Yes, this is what hardbatters like Scott hear all the time!

Best “Duh!” Excuse

Gary Covington, Blacksburg, VA

·        One of the best players in the club, Tejas Bhujle (rated 1826), had just won a match 3-0 handle against an up-and-coming player (rated about 1300). After the match concluded the loser walked over to Tejas and said “Boy, if it was not for your backhand, I would have won.” Tejas is well known for his tremendous backhand and only looked at him in disbelief. We still bring up this excuse every time Tejas handily wins a match.

Most Honest Excuse

Robert Trudell, Mesa, AZ

·        “I couldn’t use my best serves while an umpire was watching.”

eDITOR lARRY hODGES' BEST EXCUSES

·        “You only won because you played me different than you do in practice!” Told to me by a member of my club who reminded me that he’d beaten me 14 times in a row in practice before losing the tournament match. Wonder why I changed tactics?

·        “If I hadn’t played so poorly, I’d have gotten twice as many points!” Told to me by an opponent who I’d just beaten 21-1.

·        “If you’d played my forehand more, I’d have beaten you.”

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